We've reached the end of June 2008, the next few months have brought me to who I am today. Not perfect, not by a long shot. But not lost, not anymore. Coming back from the dump I had never been so anxious in my life, well not this kind of anxious. There was no paranoia, no fear, no second thoughts, just one... this summer's gonna be different.
Over the next 2 and a half months I taught canoeing down at the waterfront. I pretty much lived down there, I was there nearly the same amount of time as the lifeguards, the only difference was 1 hour a day I was fooling around while they continued to guard. But the lifeguards deffinitely worked harder than I did, I mean alot of the training for canoeing I was teaching the kids was skimming the surface of real canoeing so it was a moderately easy class to teach, lol the hardest part was just keeping the kids interested and paying attention; which I could not do without the help of two other counselors Candy and Lolly [not their real names; camp names] they were honestly the back bone of each class. The waterfront staff consisted of Crush or Chimes; waterfront directors, Meeko who had been my friend since grade school, Wonder who I had just recently met in the last 2 years, Rogue who'd been a camper for years, and Katie. Those 4 girls were the lifeguards and then me the low man on the totem pole.
Anyway, aside from the waterfront we each had a cabin of our own to take care of as well. I think I had 1 really good cabin this year, in other words 1 cabin that actually enjoyed being around each other. All the other weeks generally each kid was good on his own but together it was absolutley nuts. That summer deffinitely tested my patience far more than any other summer. As well as my leadership skills, which got me ready for the upcoming fall.
As the summer passed by Katie and I had alot of time to just talk, about pretty much everything. From would you rather games to home life to likes/dislikes. I learned so much about her that summer, I fell in love with her that summer. Not on purpose lol; I wasn't searching to fill a whole or replace anyone, in fact I was quite enjoying being single lol. But I was finally listening to God's voice, I was tired of trying to ignore him, in fact I was exhausted. So summer came to an end and we both headed home, but we never stopped talking to each other. In fact now we had even more time to do just that no matter how big a distance was between us. And although some would think otherwise, I am thankful for that distance. During that time apart, I learned more about her than I would have ever done if I were within walking distance of her. And it gave me a chance to teach myself my priorities; one of my flaws in the past was I ripped God out of my relationship. He couldn't seem to fit properly so instead of making the relationship fit to his mould, I gave up. But now at a distance I was and am still learning to mould our relationship to fit to God's standards. And by doing so I'm finally trusting him with everything, it's been hard. But for the first time in a very long time, I'm at peace. I'm no longer afraid of tomorow, because he knows tomorow. I am no longer being hypocritical, I can finally stand by my saying that I've stated year after year... no worries :)
The next 4 months are a very long story, so it'll have to wait until next time lol
God Bless
17.4.09
9.4.09
2005 - 2008
So we ended summer of 05...
Ok, let me set up your surroundings first.
It's early september, I've just gotten back from 2 months of working as a counselor at a small christina camp just west of North Bay. The present camp director, Linda, was a close family friend so that was how I ended up there in the first place 4 years back. She invited a good friend of mine and I on a canoe trip with the a few people from the camp. That was when I fell in love with that place. Ever since then I've been going back for the better part of the summer working as maintenance, than counselor, lol now 7 years later in 2009 a head of staff. That place has become an extremely important part of my life.
Anyway, so this is just after a long summer of great times and lots of camp drama. Drama sort of comes with the job, but this year it sort of followed me home. I had met this great girl; smart, funny, beautiful and she was easy to talk to. So on impulse, like anything else in my life, we started going out. I couldn't really tell you how long we dated, it was so on and off it would get you dizzy. Neither of us really knew what we wanted. And out of my stubbornness to hold onto what I had, I developed a sense of responsibility for her. Which ultimately turned the whole thing into a one way relationship; she would talk, I would listen. I've come to learn that never works, no matter how humble you may be trying to be.
Anyway, in the middle of all this, God gave me the first bit of direction I needed. But I dismissed it, I had told her about how God wanted me to go down to the states for a Leaders program. That didn't go over too well, so I stuck around. God continued to dig and dig at me. A year passed by, and my stubborn attitude and heroic ego amplified the stress going on in both our lives. God knew it had to change.
The summer of 07 was God's second piece of direction in my life, I can see that now :) That summer was crazy it was so strething emotionally. Until finally God said, "Enough! Open your eyes, this isn't where I want you to be! That is..." At the end of the summer at Teen camp I ran into someone I hadn't seen for a while because of different commitments she had over the past few summers because of previous commitments; she was a real jock lol. Soccer, Basketball, Volleyball... Anyway, we ended up at the same teen week . It was great to see her, soothing actually lol. Sadly only a few weeks earlier she had lost her father to cancer, so I tried my best to be there for her. Over that week Her, Janes; another good buddy of mine and I really bonded. We're still pretty tightly knit to this day lol, even more so. Anyway that summer God kept pointing me towards her, he continued to allow her to be the first person I'd run into when I needed someone to talk to, and it seemed vice versa for her. But at the end of the summer, I still returned to the mess I had made. But Katie and I kept in touch that whole year... yup, that was Katie :) In my fear of becoming like my father I suppose; abandoning someone who needed to be heard, I continued to try to be there for the girl I had been on and off with for the last 2 years. But over the next year, God continued to let Katie's name mull over in my mind. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, she was always the first one to come to mind. In the winter Janes and I went up north to visit Katie. lol I look back on the last 2 years and can see now how stubborn I was.
Then finally christmas of 07 I decided to begin to let go. I decided to go for that Leaders program in NY. I had put it off for far too long, and why? Insecurities, responsibilities, pride... ? It was about time I started to listen. So I was lined up for the fall of 08, was I ready? depends how you define it... I had no idea if I was ready for the program, but God seemed to think so. Was I ready to finally let go? ...yes I was. I just didn't know how. But once again God had it all figured out, lol. That June my previous girlfriend came to my house one evening and wanted to talk, but this time I wasn't worried or scared. I was impatient to hear the words come out of her mouth. "We need to stop this. My life is not your life." The fact that she was breaking up with me didn't bother me for one second, I needed that push for years. Those words had been spoken several times but finally God engraved them into my mind. That relationship was a step in my life, now it was for the next. God was taking over the wheel, and it felt so liberating, so humbling, so peaceful.
So I entered the summer of 08 with a whole different attitude, a different life. I was free of all the burdens I had piled up on myself. And on the first day of training week, Linda's husband Doug and I were taking a pile of garbage to the local dump when who should walk out in front of us, but Katie. I couldn't stop smiling while I quickly opened my window, "We're just taking a load to the dump, but I'll be right back." she began to smile, "Ok." And so, Summer of 2008 began.
Later
Godbless
Ok, let me set up your surroundings first.
It's early september, I've just gotten back from 2 months of working as a counselor at a small christina camp just west of North Bay. The present camp director, Linda, was a close family friend so that was how I ended up there in the first place 4 years back. She invited a good friend of mine and I on a canoe trip with the a few people from the camp. That was when I fell in love with that place. Ever since then I've been going back for the better part of the summer working as maintenance, than counselor, lol now 7 years later in 2009 a head of staff. That place has become an extremely important part of my life.
Anyway, so this is just after a long summer of great times and lots of camp drama. Drama sort of comes with the job, but this year it sort of followed me home. I had met this great girl; smart, funny, beautiful and she was easy to talk to. So on impulse, like anything else in my life, we started going out. I couldn't really tell you how long we dated, it was so on and off it would get you dizzy. Neither of us really knew what we wanted. And out of my stubbornness to hold onto what I had, I developed a sense of responsibility for her. Which ultimately turned the whole thing into a one way relationship; she would talk, I would listen. I've come to learn that never works, no matter how humble you may be trying to be.
Anyway, in the middle of all this, God gave me the first bit of direction I needed. But I dismissed it, I had told her about how God wanted me to go down to the states for a Leaders program. That didn't go over too well, so I stuck around. God continued to dig and dig at me. A year passed by, and my stubborn attitude and heroic ego amplified the stress going on in both our lives. God knew it had to change.
The summer of 07 was God's second piece of direction in my life, I can see that now :) That summer was crazy it was so strething emotionally. Until finally God said, "Enough! Open your eyes, this isn't where I want you to be! That is..." At the end of the summer at Teen camp I ran into someone I hadn't seen for a while because of different commitments she had over the past few summers because of previous commitments; she was a real jock lol. Soccer, Basketball, Volleyball... Anyway, we ended up at the same teen week . It was great to see her, soothing actually lol. Sadly only a few weeks earlier she had lost her father to cancer, so I tried my best to be there for her. Over that week Her, Janes; another good buddy of mine and I really bonded. We're still pretty tightly knit to this day lol, even more so. Anyway that summer God kept pointing me towards her, he continued to allow her to be the first person I'd run into when I needed someone to talk to, and it seemed vice versa for her. But at the end of the summer, I still returned to the mess I had made. But Katie and I kept in touch that whole year... yup, that was Katie :) In my fear of becoming like my father I suppose; abandoning someone who needed to be heard, I continued to try to be there for the girl I had been on and off with for the last 2 years. But over the next year, God continued to let Katie's name mull over in my mind. Whenever I needed someone to talk to, she was always the first one to come to mind. In the winter Janes and I went up north to visit Katie. lol I look back on the last 2 years and can see now how stubborn I was.
Then finally christmas of 07 I decided to begin to let go. I decided to go for that Leaders program in NY. I had put it off for far too long, and why? Insecurities, responsibilities, pride... ? It was about time I started to listen. So I was lined up for the fall of 08, was I ready? depends how you define it... I had no idea if I was ready for the program, but God seemed to think so. Was I ready to finally let go? ...yes I was. I just didn't know how. But once again God had it all figured out, lol. That June my previous girlfriend came to my house one evening and wanted to talk, but this time I wasn't worried or scared. I was impatient to hear the words come out of her mouth. "We need to stop this. My life is not your life." The fact that she was breaking up with me didn't bother me for one second, I needed that push for years. Those words had been spoken several times but finally God engraved them into my mind. That relationship was a step in my life, now it was for the next. God was taking over the wheel, and it felt so liberating, so humbling, so peaceful.
So I entered the summer of 08 with a whole different attitude, a different life. I was free of all the burdens I had piled up on myself. And on the first day of training week, Linda's husband Doug and I were taking a pile of garbage to the local dump when who should walk out in front of us, but Katie. I couldn't stop smiling while I quickly opened my window, "We're just taking a load to the dump, but I'll be right back." she began to smile, "Ok." And so, Summer of 2008 began.
Later
Godbless
8.4.09
My History
Well, how much do you guys want to hear?
Here's the gist of my beginnings; I was born into a christian home, loving parents, strong church family. When I was 3 my Dad left my mom for a guy, a tad confusing for a 3 year old. As I grew up I began to get angry at my dad, and when I turned 7 I found out I had epilepsy which just made things worse... I allowed it to get worse. I began to live the soap box christian life... good little christian boy at church and around my mom, than this infuriated kid when I was alone.
When I turned 12 I started going to this youth group at my church, that was step 1 to my recovery. I can look back now and see God working through it all, even allowing my father to take the actions he did. At the youth group I began to deepen my relationship with God; I began to realise who he was again, that same childish faith I had as a kid was coming back again.
As the years past, I continued to grow. Between all the retreats and studies we did as a group of 7 or 8, we became a family. That was the first time I had felt like I belonged to something bigger than my troubles. We ventured all across Ontario from grade 6 to grade 9; from Toronto to Ottawa to Sarnia to Barrie and everywhere in between.
In grade 9 we went to a big conference called Acquire the Fire, we had been there before but this year the theme was about forgiveness. That day in that huge stadium filled with thousands of other highschoolers God began to finally show me direction in my life. He was pulling me out of my bubble for the first time in my life, and he was asking for the one thing I held the closest in my life... my anger towards my Dad. That night, God changed me. The whole course of my life from that point on was going to change. I fell to my knees and just handed it all over, and for the next few years my old youth pastor helped me through a lot of it.
In grade 10, I joined a team heading to Big Trout Lake native reserve. It was my first mission trip, and although I was completely alone in the group, at least in the sense that I knew no one, I knew God wanted me to go. The reserve was a 20 hour drive up to Sioux Lookout than a 4 hour plane ride out to the reserve, it was way out there lol. We were doing a day camp for the kids there. That week up there changed my life, God opened my eyes. I can see now that he was planting a passion within me that would lead me to where I am today.
Over the next few years until graduation, God continued to trim and teach me. Although my life has been full of mistakes, he has never let me down. He helped me with forgiving my father, and with forgiving myself from mistakes I had made. It's amazing looking back on it now, seeing how he was working the whole entire time lol. And how stubborn I've been, a word of advice; your ego is your worst enemy, it gorges itself on God's gifts but never benefits you in any way. Humility is so liberating, so relieving, it's funny how often we dismiss it. As if we deserve better, and if you honestly believe that, you need to stop squinting, open your eyes to exactly where God has placed you in this life. He always has a reason, it may not be obvious now but it will be.
Anyway after high school I worked in the construction industry for 2 years. God through a couple challenges my way over the last 3 years since I graduated; spiritual, mental, and emotional challenges, but I don't regret any of them. Each one had a purpose, and each took part in placing me where I am today. God had a reason for it all.
So right now you are standing somewhere in the fall of 2005 in my life. The next 3 years are a little nuts and will take a couple posts to explain to you lol.
later
God bless
Here's the gist of my beginnings; I was born into a christian home, loving parents, strong church family. When I was 3 my Dad left my mom for a guy, a tad confusing for a 3 year old. As I grew up I began to get angry at my dad, and when I turned 7 I found out I had epilepsy which just made things worse... I allowed it to get worse. I began to live the soap box christian life... good little christian boy at church and around my mom, than this infuriated kid when I was alone.
When I turned 12 I started going to this youth group at my church, that was step 1 to my recovery. I can look back now and see God working through it all, even allowing my father to take the actions he did. At the youth group I began to deepen my relationship with God; I began to realise who he was again, that same childish faith I had as a kid was coming back again.
As the years past, I continued to grow. Between all the retreats and studies we did as a group of 7 or 8, we became a family. That was the first time I had felt like I belonged to something bigger than my troubles. We ventured all across Ontario from grade 6 to grade 9; from Toronto to Ottawa to Sarnia to Barrie and everywhere in between.
In grade 9 we went to a big conference called Acquire the Fire, we had been there before but this year the theme was about forgiveness. That day in that huge stadium filled with thousands of other highschoolers God began to finally show me direction in my life. He was pulling me out of my bubble for the first time in my life, and he was asking for the one thing I held the closest in my life... my anger towards my Dad. That night, God changed me. The whole course of my life from that point on was going to change. I fell to my knees and just handed it all over, and for the next few years my old youth pastor helped me through a lot of it.
In grade 10, I joined a team heading to Big Trout Lake native reserve. It was my first mission trip, and although I was completely alone in the group, at least in the sense that I knew no one, I knew God wanted me to go. The reserve was a 20 hour drive up to Sioux Lookout than a 4 hour plane ride out to the reserve, it was way out there lol. We were doing a day camp for the kids there. That week up there changed my life, God opened my eyes. I can see now that he was planting a passion within me that would lead me to where I am today.
Over the next few years until graduation, God continued to trim and teach me. Although my life has been full of mistakes, he has never let me down. He helped me with forgiving my father, and with forgiving myself from mistakes I had made. It's amazing looking back on it now, seeing how he was working the whole entire time lol. And how stubborn I've been, a word of advice; your ego is your worst enemy, it gorges itself on God's gifts but never benefits you in any way. Humility is so liberating, so relieving, it's funny how often we dismiss it. As if we deserve better, and if you honestly believe that, you need to stop squinting, open your eyes to exactly where God has placed you in this life. He always has a reason, it may not be obvious now but it will be.
Anyway after high school I worked in the construction industry for 2 years. God through a couple challenges my way over the last 3 years since I graduated; spiritual, mental, and emotional challenges, but I don't regret any of them. Each one had a purpose, and each took part in placing me where I am today. God had a reason for it all.
So right now you are standing somewhere in the fall of 2005 in my life. The next 3 years are a little nuts and will take a couple posts to explain to you lol.
later
God bless
7.4.09
Greetings...
Hey,
So the blogging revolution has begun, at least in my own life. I used to be one for writing, in fact I couldn't stop writing a few close friends can account for that. But over the last few years that passion has slowly depleted. I never really noticed until a few months ago, I looked up at the bottom of my top bunk at all the writing and doodling that had made it's way up there over the years. Steps within my life, recorded on old fibre board; stories that i look back on now and again with a smile on my face, others that make me realise where God has brought me from. And as I reminissed I began to realise how sparse the records have been of my life in the last 2 or 3 years. There was next to no memmories up there of where I've been or what has happened. That needs to change, I need to write this out not only for memmory sake but also to glorify God by showing myself where I've come from and where he has brought me.
God has carried me through these last few years, sometimes too weak to stand on my own and others too strong for my own good. But even with my stubbornness and occasional tantrums, lol, God has blessed me in ways I never deserved. First with Katie in my life, at times replacing my common sense, but always pointing me in the right direction. And second with the immense clarity he has given me in my purpose in my own life. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have the answers. God simply gave me the next step. lol after I'm done my whining and finally take a breath and listen for him, he is always faithful to shed some light on where he's got me headed.
Anyway that's it for now, I need to get some zzzs. Next time I'll tell you where I've been, and well, you can do with it what you please. I'm just here to tell my story, and see what comes of it.
Later
God Bless
So the blogging revolution has begun, at least in my own life. I used to be one for writing, in fact I couldn't stop writing a few close friends can account for that. But over the last few years that passion has slowly depleted. I never really noticed until a few months ago, I looked up at the bottom of my top bunk at all the writing and doodling that had made it's way up there over the years. Steps within my life, recorded on old fibre board; stories that i look back on now and again with a smile on my face, others that make me realise where God has brought me from. And as I reminissed I began to realise how sparse the records have been of my life in the last 2 or 3 years. There was next to no memmories up there of where I've been or what has happened. That needs to change, I need to write this out not only for memmory sake but also to glorify God by showing myself where I've come from and where he has brought me.
God has carried me through these last few years, sometimes too weak to stand on my own and others too strong for my own good. But even with my stubbornness and occasional tantrums, lol, God has blessed me in ways I never deserved. First with Katie in my life, at times replacing my common sense, but always pointing me in the right direction. And second with the immense clarity he has given me in my purpose in my own life. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have the answers. God simply gave me the next step. lol after I'm done my whining and finally take a breath and listen for him, he is always faithful to shed some light on where he's got me headed.
Anyway that's it for now, I need to get some zzzs. Next time I'll tell you where I've been, and well, you can do with it what you please. I'm just here to tell my story, and see what comes of it.
Later
God Bless
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